Giant seagull kidnaps dog in Castle Park, Council blames Brexit

Panic and confusion swept through Castle Park this morning after multiple eyewitnesses reported seeing an unusually large seagull seize a small dog and carry it off into the sky.

The dog, a three-year-old cockapoo named Nigel, had been enjoying what his owner described as “a light trot” when the enormous bird allegedly swooped down and lifted him clean off the ground.

“I thought it was a drone at first,” said Karen, who witnessed the incident while giving her grandson a Fruit Shoot. “Then it flapped. And screamed. And I realised it was neither machine nor man, but some sort of winged monster.”

The gull, described by several witnesses as “about the size of a moped”, was last seen heading in the direction of the Roman Wall with the small dog clutched in its claws.

No footage of the event has yet surfaced, although one TikTok user did upload a 17-second video of herself screaming, which has been viewed over 30,000 times.

The incident has prompted swift reaction from Colchester City Council, who released a statement placing partial blame on “post-Brexit disruptions to the coastal food economy”.

“Increased strain on gull food chains, combined with relaxed migration enforcement and an erosion of traditional seagull values, has led to unprecedented inland excursions,” the statement read.

“Castle Park is now officially classified as a moderate-risk Gull Interaction Zone. Dogs under 10kg should be leashed, crated, or simply not that small.”

The council is now considering the introduction of anti-gull patrols, using trained crows and possibly a kite shaped like a hawk, pending a risk assessment and several thousand pounds of consultancy.

Experts have attempted to calm public fears, stating that although gulls are known to scavenge aggressively, instances of them abducting live animals are “extremely rare, though increasingly feasible”.

Dave, a local birdwatcher and self-taught avian behavioural theorist, offered a grim warning.

“These birds aren’t the chip-stealing nuisances you remember,” he said from the roof of the Mercury Theatre, where he now conducts daily gull surveillance. “They’re evolving. This one was thick-necked, confident, and possibly unionised.”

Nigel’s owner, Stephanie, has put up posters around the park offering a reward of £15 and a half-used bottle of shampoo for any information leading to her dog’s safe return.

“I just want to know he’s alright,” she said tearfully. “He’s not the cleverest, but he’s kind. And I don’t think he’d survive long in a nest.”

At the time of writing, the gull remains at large, and Nigel’s whereabouts are unknown. Police have issued a sketch based on eyewitness descriptions, which features a seagull with bloodshot eyes, massive legs, and what appears to be a tattoo of a fish finger on its chest. Residents are urged not to approach it under any circumstances.