First Bus introduce new premium subscription in Essex with exclusive app features

First Bus today unveiled a brand-new premium membership scheme, offering passengers in Essex access to a range of exclusive, high-tech features — provided they’re willing to pay.

The First Essex Premium Experience™ subscription, available for £19.99 per month, introduces a suite of groundbreaking features designed to give customers an "unparalleled level of control" over their travel.

A spokesperson for First Essex described the app as "the next step in our mission to move the everyday in Essex”. However, when asked exactly who or what they were moving, the spokesperson immediately ended the interview.

Passengers who subscribe will gain access to the much-anticipated Real-Time Delay Predictions feature, which claims to provide live updates on exactly how many hours their bus is running late. However, the app simply defaults to "Your bus is late due to operational issues."

Another feature, the Bus Driver Mood Tracker, allows Premium users to check live driver emotions via an AI-powered system that monitors facial expressions. Available moods include "mildly irritated," "regretful career choices," and the ominous "do not make eye contact."

The app also includes the ‘Will It Stop?’ Roulette, a revolutionary new tool that helps passengers determine whether their driver will actually stop at their designated bus stop or if they should just start walking now.

One of the most anticipated features is the Ghost Bus Tracker. Premium members can now enjoy an enhanced viewing experience of the infamous disappearing buses. Watch in real-time as your bus appears on the live map, suddenly vanishes, reappears miles away, and is ultimately cancelled — now with cinematic slow-motion replays and dramatic sound effects

For those seeking closure, the app automatically sends an apology straight to users’ inboxes. At the time of writing, only one message has been programmed, reading: "We’re sorry to hear you are stranded. Your bus was cancelled due to operational issues."

Finally, there is the ‘request refund’ button, which allows users to request a refund for severe delays. However, pressing the button simply triggers an error message explaining that they are "currently experiencing technical difficulties."

Passengers have had mixed reactions to the new scheme, ranging from mild confusion to outright despair. One commuter who regularly takes the 75 service, told The Colchester Times: "I already pay £5 to be emotionally traumatised by First. Now they want me to pay extra for, what, premium disappointment?"

Meanwhile, frequent traveller Mark attempted to sign up for the subscription but was immediately met with a "page not found" error, followed by an email confirming he had been charged £19.99 anyway.

First Bus has defended the new subscription model, with a spokesperson claiming that it will "revolutionise travel" and "empower customers with choice." However, when pressed on what those choices actually are, they fell silent for a full thirty seconds before responding, "Well, they could always walk?"

When asked whether they would consider improving actual bus reliability instead of launching a paywalled version of disappointment, the spokesperson sighed and responded, "Look, our slogan is ‘moving the everyday in Essex.’ We never said we’d be moving passengers to where they actually need to go."

They then promptly disappeared from the interview — probably due to operational issues of their own.