Man gets stuck trying to post himself through postbox to 'save on train fares'

Colchester residents were left scratching their heads yesterday after a man attempted to post himself first class via a Royal Mail postbox in what experts are calling “the most extreme case of avoiding train fares to date.”

Nigel Pigeon, 42, was spotted near the postbox on High Street wearing a makeshift envelope costume, complete with a handwritten address on his chest and several first-class stamps stuck to his forehead. Witnesses say he appeared determined to squeeze himself through the narrow slot before inevitably getting stuck.

“He kept shouting, ‘Guaranteed next-day delivery!’ as he wriggled about,” said one onlooker. “At first, I thought he was doing some kind of protest against Royal Mail price hikes, but then I realised—no, he genuinely wants to be posted.”

Emergency services were called after local postman Dave attempted to push him in further, assuming it was a new Royal Mail initiative. Firefighters spent nearly an hour freeing Mr Pigeon, using a combination of olive oil, a crowbar, and gentle words of encouragement.

When questioned, Mr Pigeon explained he had grown frustrated with rising train fares and believed mailing himself would be a more cost-effective way to travel.

"First class to Scotland is about £4 . A train ticket? Nearly 100 quid. Do the maths,” he argued from within his padded envelope.

Pigeon claims he did extensive research before attempting his journey, even weighing himself at the Post Office to ensure he met the small parcel limit. “Turns out I’m a bit over, but I thought if I held my breath, I could shave off a few grams.”

Royal Mail has since issued a statement reminding the public that its services are for post and parcels only, and that “any attempt to post oneself is not covered by our compensation policy.”

Despite his ordeal, Mr Pigeon remains undeterred. He is reportedly now looking into whether he can be classified as ‘livestock’ for cheaper delivery rates.