Colchester descends into gridlock as single bus breakdown brings entire 'bus station' to its knees

Osborne Street, home to Colchester’s so-called bus station, descended into chaos this evening as a First bus suffered a catastrophic breakdown, instantly paralysing the city’s entire public transport network and triggering scenes one eyewitness described as “what I imagine the Blitz felt like.”

The incident began at approximately 7pm, when a visibly exhausted First Essex bus, on route S1, gave a shudder, a final cough of diesel, and died heroically on Osborne Street — which, for the uninitiated, is not a bus station at all, but a modest one-way street with delusions of grandeur and a few shelters pretending to be infrastructure.

Within minutes, the situation unravelled. Buses backed up for nearly 200 yards, their drivers trapped in a high-stakes game of vehicular Tetris. Passengers spilled onto the pavements like displaced citizens fleeing a failed state. One woman was seen brandishing an umbrella like a weapon, clearing a path to Sainsbury’s with grim determination.

The broken down bus, with fleet support on scene

“My bus was behind the broken one,” said Darren, 38, still clutching a now-melted Cornetto. “Then another one came. Then another. It was like watching public transport eat itself alive.”

“I’ve never seen so many First buses at once, except when I walked past the depot the other day and saw every single one of them parked up, not moving. I thought the apocalypse had started. But apparently, that was part of their new ‘environmental strategy’, you know, cutting emissions by not providing a service. Genius, really.”

All attempts to navigate around the stricken vehicle were thwarted by Osborne Street’s unique design philosophy: that nothing must ever go in any direction other than forwards, slowly, and with a faint sense of despair.

By 7:30pm, what little order remained had entirely collapsed. One driver attempted a three-point turn and was last seen being swallowed by oncoming traffic. A group of tourists abandoned their bus altogether and reportedly attempted to commandeer a Tier e-bike with a broken pedal. Shouts of “just walk, it’s faster” echoed through the city centre.

A First Bus spokesperson issued a brief statement, which read in part:

“We apologise for the inconvenience caused by this minor operational issue. The vehicle in question is over 10 years old and has bravely served its community. It is now resting.”

Meanwhile, Colchester City Council declined to comment on whether Osborne Street would be upgraded from “laughing stock” to “actual station” any time this century, but did promise to “review the lighting”.

At least four buses remained stuck behind the fallen transit soldier well into the evening, their engines off, their drivers defeated, their passengers lost to time. Police were not called, because frankly, no one knew what to say.

As night falls, the broken bus remains sat motionless under a flickering streetlight — a silent monument to a city’s crumbling transport dreams.